I want to start this post off with a slight disclaimer, mainly in the form of a personal bio about myself so you can get a full context of where I'm coming from:
I am in my early 20s, and the last time I was in a serious relationship was four years ago. Maybe this is TMI, and you don't care about my vague relationship history, but I tell you this so you know I'm coming from the perspective of a semi-long-time single girl. In this post, I'm not telling you not to date or "talk" to people, and I am certainly not telling you not to hook up with whomever you want. You do you, and that is nobody else's business. I have friends in beautiful and balanced relationships, but in my experience, that is certainly the exception and not the rule. Also, to those friends in relationships, I love you all so much and am so happy you're happy, so don't take offense to anything I say because, again, these are all my own personal, totally unprompted ;) opinions, so take them with a grain of salt.
Now that we got that out of the way, here are my unfiltered thoughts about why being in a relationship is absolutely not the most essential thing in college.
First, this idea might seem obvious to some people. "Shawn, of course, there are more important things in college than being in a relationship." I've had this conversation even with my most independent of friends, and we still find ourselves second-guessing why we aren't in a relationship. I used to do this too, but now it is one of the last things I want for myself right now, and this is why:
Growing Into Yourself
College is about growing into yourself. Figuring out who you are and the person you want to be. If you're anything like me, you will see yourself change from year to year, even semester to semester. Your friendships change, your priorities change, and little things like your style might change (and you'll be glad it did, that side part didn't look good on any of us). That being said, people do not evolve at the same rate. So, the way I think about it, the beginning of a college relationship is inherently made up of two people who will be different in a matter of months. And if they aren’t any different, then they are being held back from becoming who they are individually and set themselves up to evolve in the context of another person.
Importance of Friends
Going into college as a freshman, one of my priorities was finding a solid group of girlfriends. I had great guy friends in high school, but I was missing out on having that tight-knit girl group. I say this to tell you that finding my best friends is what has made college so amazing. These people have changed my life in the best ways. I have been so thankful to be in a time where I always get to be surrounded by them. Also, because I'm not in a relationship, I never have a chip on my shoulder about how I'm balancing a boyfriend and my friends. If you are in a relationship in college, you are inherently inviting in a few things 1. The stress of balancing your friends and your significant other, 2. Spending less time with friends, 3. Limited alone time 4. Setting up your relationship on a college timeline, i.e. long breaks and graduation dates. That sounds negative and pessimistic, but that is how I see it. Who needs added stress in college? I sure as hell don't. Having to juggle your own life and your partner is not easy, and no matter how good you think you are at it, I hate to tell you—you're probably not that great at it.
Meeting new people = Meeting yourself
The more I write, the more I realize this might be a guide for extroverts like myself who chat with anyone and everyone, but it applies to everyone in some capacity. One thing I notice in college relationships is the tension between wanting to meet new people and worrying about how it may come off to a significant other. Or, you may limit yourself from meeting new people because of how much time you spend with your significant other. This issue is typically rooted in the relationship itself, but it is hard to avoid when college is one of our most socially driven times.
Meeting new people needs to be prioritized more. It is easy to get stuck in our ways once we find our friends and not feel a need to look outside of that group. I've found that meeting new people opens you up to new perspectives, interests, ideas, and experiences. In that way, being social outside of my circle has allowed me to learn things about myself and be around people who bring out a different side of me. By being sociable with others outside of your significant other then, you can learn the different types of people/qualities you might want in your life.
Why make it complicated?
Nothing is more special to me than the deep friendships I have curated throughout college. Lots of these happen to be with boys, who, if I were to have ever dated or anything during or before our friendship, I don't know if they would be as intellectually and emotionally intimate and honest as they are. That does not go for everyone, of course, I have people in my life who I have dated, and they are still so important to me, and we have strong friendships, but in college, things can get a little messy sometimes and a little ~insestual~ if you know what I mean. It can get a little messy when everyone hooks up with everyone in the same friend group. Bottom line, you can have people in your life that you love and be close to them without dating them. Liking someone of the gender you are attracted to does not mean you need to date them; sometimes, you can just be friends, which is okay and sometimes better. Usually, it means they will be in your life a lot longer.
Independence is not everything, but having the right people in your life is
Not prioritizing having a relationship in college is not about isolating yourself but about finding the people most meaningful to you and using them to help you grow, not hold you back. I used to think pure independence was a goal I had to achieve; I felt I had to be totally okay in a bubble of just myself. I cut off some people in my life who only wanted to be there for me just because I had this crazy idea that I had to be totally okay on my own without anyone else's help. As hard of a time as that was for me, I think I had to do that to learn that you should lean on other people to help you with your struggles. Knowing who is and is not supposed to be in your life and setting boundaries where needed are one of the best things I work to implement. I strive to have my circle be people who lift me up and make me feel loved while also keeping me in check. When you have people like that in your life, you can feel independent without being alone, and that, I think, is the real goal.
Final Words of Wisdom
I am a different person from starting at UGA as a freshman and as a soon-to-be graduate. I have a clearer idea of what is actually important to me in a relationship and what a healthy relationship would look like. Not by being in many relationships, which I haven't, but by observing the relationships around me—college or otherwise. I have been thankful not to have the stresses that come with being in a relationship in college, and I believe living my own life with no strings attached has added to my college experience. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and what makes you happy. Don't get into a relationship just because you think you should or avoid it because it might not make the most sense. Sometimes things don't have to make sense for them to be great and make you happy. Getting into a relationship before graduating high school didn't make a ton of sense, but at the end of the day, I'm glad I did it. Same before graduating college or before any significant life change. You should look at your life and do what works for you, and if you want to commit to somebody and think it's the right thing, then go for it.
Also, if you haven't found anyone in college that you would even remotely think about dating, then duh. What are the odds the love of your life is in your small college town? like very small. So don't sweat that. Trust me. We'll be fine, I pinky promise.
I hope this gives you a different perspective on dating in college. And maybe it makes you feel better about being single—especially before the holiday's when you have to go home and answer your family on why you're not dating anyone right now.
Anyways, I love you all, and you are doing just fine,
Your Favorite Unlicensed Therapist Friend
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