I have been trying to sit down and write this blog post for the past week, but as much as I preach the necessity of journaling to feel better, I couldn’t even bring myself to write out how I was feeling. The weekend before last was draining for me in a lot of ways. On top of dealing with some friend stuff, I was drinking a lot and eating like shit. I didn’t feel good physically or emotionally and was simply tired in all aspects of my life. As bad as I wanted to get up and out of my funk, I felt held back by some invisible force. Not able to make my bed, go to yoga, or even move my clean laundry back to my room. It was debilitating. I was determined not to let myself spend this week lingering in the same fog where I felt glued to my bed or couch and unmotivated to take care of myself. It's a sucky ass way to feel.
I was irritable and sensitive and anxious, and angry. It’s now a week later, and I can’t say I’m feeling all that much better. I’m being dragged down by negative feelings and internal excuses as to why I can’t take care of my body. I’m also physically dealing with a weird ailment that is painful and making me anxious that something is wrong with me. The health anxiety never fails to come out when I’m already on edge; at least she’s fucking consistent. I wish I could write down a plan to get out of this funk, but I don’t even feel like I can follow that plan yet. I’m not entirely sure what people will get out of me saying this, but for me, it’s that I’m finally acknowledging how I’m feeling and being okay enough to verbalize it. I also want people who ever feel stuck or are feeling down to know that behind the crazy, fun college weeks and weekends, there’s the aftermath, illness, and conflict. All of which is normal and bound to happen. It doesn’t make it any easier; it just makes you not alone.
I’m not someone who cries easily from conflict or sadness, which can be good but lately, I’ve felt like I need a damn good cry. Not from watching a sad movie but just a fuck this, I’m sad, and I’m letting it out. I don’t know how to make that happen, though. I also hate that the weather is nice outside today. I feel guilty not utilizing the sunshine because I know it’ll be gone soon when winter comes. But I’m in pain and lethargic, and all I want to do is sit in my bed and watch the new Selena Gomez documentary. Usually, I can pick out what I need to feel better at an exact moment, but I don’t know what I want right now or what I’ve needed all week. I mean, I do want to lay in bed, but I know I’ll feel shitty for wasting the day, which means I kind of just sit in a mood? That sucks. I’m also not used to feeling like that, so I feel like I’m out of control, which obviously, for a type A girly like myself, is not helping the shitty mood sitch.
I’ve also been getting anxious about my future and finding a job. It’s hard to think about your future when you feel like ass. Shocker. I’m digressing at this point but damn y’all. I just want to sleep until I can feel happier and have a little more love for myself. Grr. This is really just a post for me to try to cope with my emotions, but if you’ve gotten through the post to this point and feel like you can relate, leave me a comment or DM me. Misery loves company, as they say;) but also just nice to feel like I’m not totally insane.
Love always,
Your favorite unlicensed therapist friend
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