Going into college—and for many people leaving their closest friends behind—is one of the most significant transitions faced in young adult life. I had a hard time at the beginning of freshman year (as every college freshman does, don't lie, you did too), and a large part of that was because I felt like the people around me didn't know me. Not in the sense that they didn't know of me, but they didn't know me to my core; they hadn't grown up with me like so many of my high school friends had or understood me in the way I was used to being understood. This feeling of being "unknown" initially bred a sense of loneliness. But something about me is that I can't keep my mouth shut. So, when I had these feelings, I would talk to people about them. At first, it was calling my high school friends, but then it was talking to my freshman roommate, and then if anyone asked me casually how I was doing, I would tell them, honestly. More often than not, I found that almost everyone I spoke to felt the same way or had felt that way at one point. My feelings of loneliness soon began to subside. I realized that everyone felt these ways, but people didn't want to talk about it for fear of judgment or to keep up appearances.
This honesty quickly brought me closer to the people around me. Not even necessarily my "friend group," but my class friends, etc., started to get me and who I was to my core, and I didn't have to feel so "unknown" anymore. I felt like I could have honest, genuine conversations with more and more people around me because I was honest about what I was feeling from the get-go.
So, here is why you should tell me, and everyone around you, your “secrets.”
Now, I don't necessarily mean your deepest darkest ones right off the bat, only if you want to, of course. I mean the things that most people keep to themselves or just don't even think to share, like how they are actually feeling, past relationships that really affected them, what their family dynamic is like, why they chose the major they did, what they dressed up as for Halloween when they were nine, what their childhood pet fish was named that died. Okay, so maybe don't bring these things up with absolutely no context, but hey, this is totally unprompted, so why the hell not?
The more you share with someone, the more they know about you. The more someone knows about you, and you are willing to share, the more that person will be willing to share, and the more you learn about them.
This is why I believe I am so lucky to have an amazing group of meaningful and close friendships in college. Friends who are more than just "going out" friends who will make me feel loved and take care of me and trust me because they know I will love them and take care of them just the same. I sincerely attribute this to the willingness to be open and honest even when it feels uncomfortable. Share your successes with your friends, and share your losses with them. There is no need to celebrate or grieve alone. Humans are inherently social creatures and need human interaction to survive, so lean into it.
You might be shyer or don't talk as much, but that is so okay! You don't truly need to share with anyone and everyone, just the people you care about and want in your life. Friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what, so if you are worried someone will judge you on what you have to say, then that person is not a true friend, and you don't need them in your life. This philosophy weeds out the ones who aren't there for you, which can save you so much time in the long run.
Having emotionally intimate friendships makes them stronger in so many ways. For example, if you have a conflict with a friend, you are much more likely to rationalize and understand their side if you know how they were raised, how their week is going, and if they have something stressful coming up. With that information, You can bring context to the situation and approach your friend with more compassion.
Here is a tiny little example for you that I think gets to the heart of what I'm talking about:
At orientation freshman year, I was in my orientation group doing some activity and began talking with the girl next to me. I don't exactly remember how the conversation went, but I ended up telling her some details about how my high school boyfriend and I were breaking up for college and how it's been hard for me. Flash forward to the beginning of our freshman year, and I ran into this same cool girl from my orientation group! She then asks me about how I'm doing with my break up and all that. It was such a small thing for her to mention, but not only was I like, oh my god, this girl actually remembers what I told her, but I felt a wave of being "known" and understood. I struggled a little when I first got to college and her acknowledgment that I might be going through a tough time meant so much to me. This girl I met a couple of months ago, with whom I shared a small, intimate detail about myself and she remembered and checked in on me. This girl and I are still friends even now as seniors in college.
So the next time someone asks you how you are doing, try being actually honest with them instead of saying "good." You might get a new friend out of it or become even closer to an old one. Be honest with others, but the key is, be honest with yourself.
As always, with love,
Your favorite unlicensed therapist friend
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